


miles to go

by jessamoo



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-03-11 10:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3324698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessamoo/pseuds/jessamoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felicity refuses to believe Oliver is dead, and chooses to go find him and bring him home, no matter the cost - only Laurel won't let her do it alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. somehow, someday

**Author's Note:**

> The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,  
> But I have promises to keep,  
> And miles to go before I sleep,  
> And miles to go before I sleep.  
> \- stopping by woods on a snowy evening, robert frost

She knew how they all looked at her.

Felicity felt their eyes burning into her, their pity, their curious looks. Any normal time she might have felt embarrassed, might have tried to hide it all. But even worse now was that she didn't care. She didn't care one bit what Dig thought, what Roy saw, she didn't care what she looked like or what they did. It all felt empty, felt pointless. Felt like nothing.

Like her grief had been too much. Like it had been too big to live in her body, so it had swallowed itself. Her grief was a monster, and it had turned to apathy in her stomach. She had been pushed so far that she no longer felt anything at all. She had stumbled into the darkness of unfeeling, and she had no idea how to crawl back out.

Because Oliver was gone. 

Gone, she thinks. But not dead.

They all kept telling her he was dead. Well, everyone except Laurel of course. She was at least grateful for that. Laurel was the only one who looked at her without judgement. The only one that wasn't offering platitudes that sounded like they came from a hallmark card. The only one who wasn't trying to fix her.

She supposed, after all, that Laurel had lived through this the same way she had. The man she loved had left and he hadn't come home. The same man, a different man.

But he had returned eventually, hadn't he? Oliver was a force that death could not reckon with. She refused to believe that after everything he had survived, he was not living in the world. She felt him out there, somewhere.

 

Dig, his best friend, didn't share the same feeling. He loved Oliver, but he had taken up the mantle of team leader and had buried everything under pragmatism, a mask of realistic thinking that meant he was determined to power on. Move on.

But Felicity didn't know how to even start doing that. How do you do that when Oliver was here one minute then gone the next?

She had been spending all her time either at her apartment or in the foundry and Dig's worried glances at her were getting increasingly annoying.

"Felicity..." He sighed behind her one night. Roy and Laurel were fixing themselves up, pretending not to listen. She rolled her eyes at them then arched an eyebrow at Dig. She knew exactly what was coming.

"You should go home. You've been here every night since..." He trails off, perching on the desk beside her computers, looking down at her gently. "You should rest. When was the last time you slept?"

Felicity looks away from him. When was the last time she slept? She couldn't remember. Her eyes were raw, she knew that much. But she was past the point of tired now. She was past everything.

"I have to be here." She whispers quietly.

"We can spare you." Dig soothes.

"He can't!" She snaps, surprising even herself. She hadn't raised her voice for weeks, hadn't said anything with so much force.

She hears Roy and Laurel shift uncomfortably behind her, now not even pretending they weren't listening.

"What does that mean?" Dig asks. His voice is soft, like he's speaking to a child and it sparks something in her, some anger, some fire that makes her want to break something.

"It means that when Oliver comes back the first place he's going to look is here." She stands up, her hands shaking as she tries to control herself. The lovely dark nothing that she had wrapped herself in was giving way to a torrent of feeling that she couldn't control. "So I have to be here."

Dig closes his eyes for a moment and she shoots a panicked look at Laurel, who simply shoots her a sympathetic smile. So even she had given up hope.

"Felicity...I know how hard this is for you. But sooner or later you're going to have to accept he isn't coming back." Roy supplies as she wheels uncomfortably round the group, like she's looking for any kind of support. They converge in an awkward, hesitant group around her, like cornering a wounded animal that might bite.

Felicity slams her eyes shut and shakes her head, feeling that dread weight on her chest again. She slams her fist against it, willing it to disappear again. Laurel steps forward at this, like she's trying to take hold of her hand but thinks better of it.

"I know he's alive. I can feel it. If he was dead I would know. I would know...I know he wouldn't leave me. Enough people in my life have left me already and he would not do that. Not even death could make him do that."

 

Slowly, they all disappear. 

She had lain where Oliver had slept until Dig was convinced she was asleep and she heard him slip out with Roy - probably to patrol and talk about her, which is what they seemed to do most nights now.

When she heard the door close her eyes flew open and she sat bolt upright, not seeing anyone in the foundry. Sleep never came to her now. It was pointless to try, because even if it did, she would dream about him, blue eyes dead, body cold. How impossible it seemed to her, that someone so strong could ever be felled. She thinks about Sara and shivers. She'd thought that about her once, after all.

"Are you cold?"

Felicity jumps at the sound of Laurel's voice. She hadn't realised she was still in here, and a blush creeps up her cheeks at being caught out. As Laurel rounds the corner to stand in front of her she can see by the upturned eyebrow that she knew she hadn't been asleep.

Felicity just shakes her head, finding herself unable to look at Laurel.

"What are you still doing here?" She asks her, rather ungraciously, but Laurel doesn't seem to mind.

"I'm keeping an eye on you. You basically collapsed from lack of sleep you know." She replies in a low, concerned voice.

Felicity did recall wobbling slightly as she moved to the bed, but had chosen to ignore that particular side effect. She didn't realise anyone had seen.

"Felicity..." Laurel starts.

God, she was getting sick of hearing people say her name like that. They all thought she was insane. She had half a mind to prove them wrong - to go get Oliver and drag his stupid ass back home, point and say "I told you so!"

"Please. I really do not need another lecture right now."

"That's not where I was going." 

Laurel moves slowly to sit beside her on the bed, their shoulders brushing. Felicity tenses for a moment, not knowing if she still had her ally in this. Not knowing where they stood.

"I would give anything to have Sara back." Laurel says simply. She looks up at Felicity as if daring her to say something, but she can't. "And honestly, knowing what I know now about what happened on that stupid boat...well let's just say that if I hadn't seen her body...I might have been reluctant to believe she'd died too."

Felicity feels a pang of sympathy for her. She liked Laurel, really liked her, and she knew that out of everyone, down here in the shadows, she probably understood her most. So many of their people were gone.

"And Tommy...well we all know I didn't take his death particularly well either." She smiles but there is no humour in it. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get it. Hope is a powerful thing and when we don't have real proof, we have to cling to it because otherwise we have to admit that the person we love is gone...so I'm not going to be the one to tell you to stop hoping...but one day you are going to. And I will be there when you do." Laurel nudged her shoulder with a small smile and Felicity nods, leaning against her (it is possibly the most human contact she has had for days and it feels strange to let go of the tension that had turned her bones to metal)

Felicity felt like crying with relief. She felt like crying about everything. Because she didn't want to give up hope. She didn't want to stop believing in him. Because after that there would be nothing. It was the last thing she could do for him. But Laurel knew about loss. Her loss had turned her into a bird, she had flown above all of it, away from it. Until Felicity sorted this out, she felt like she was trapped in a cage of despair. The darkness of the foundry was suffocating her.

Laurel sits with her in silence for a long time. Felicity looks at the scars on her friends arms - new scars, fighting scars. She was hardening herself against hurt. Felicity could do that - She had done that, for a little while. 

She could do it again.

She stares down at her hands. Oliver's last words echo in her mind. He loved her. He was relying on her. She was his last hope. And she was sure, more sure in that moment than she ever had been, that he was out there somewhere waiting for her.

She was wrong. There was one more thing she could do for him. 

She could find him, and bring him home.

 

She had made some excuse to Laurel and rushed home. Some poor lie that probably didn't work. But she didn't need it to. All she needed was enough time.

Felicity hastily shoved things in her bag - clothes, all her tech, whatever wasn't too heavy to carry. She knew she probably wasn't thinking clearly and that team arrow would be mad at her when they found out, but she didn't want to think about that right now. If she thought about what she was doing too much she would admit how dumb it was and give up. But today wasn't the day she gave up, not yet. Laurel would be there on that day. That day would change everything. That day might have been soon - but it wasn't now. She wouldn't let it be now and if that meant running away from it, so be it.

She's almost done when she hears the first creak on the floorboard, her hands freezing in place.

Her first thought was Oliver.

Her second thought was danger.

She spun around reaching to close the door but before she can even touch it it swings open and she is shoved backwards. She falls awkwardly against her bed, slamming down onto the floor painfully.

She's about to scramble away, anywhere, until she looks up and realises who was there, looming over her.

"What are you doing, are you out of your mind?" She snaps angrily, but a blush creeps up her cheek as she stands up ungracefully.

Laurel crosses her arms in annoyance. "I could ask you the same thing. What is all this?" She gestures to the bag on the bed. "What, you really think I believed you'd suddenly gone through all five stages in twenty minutes?"

Felicity flops her arms by her side. "I'm sorry." She cries guiltily. And she was, a little. She was sorry she lied to Laurel, who had been so honest with her. The only person who was willing to let her go through this in her own way. And she felt foolish now. "Laurel..." She starts, surprised to hear her voice tremble. "I'm just not ready to lose anyone else. Not yet."

"I know." Laurel nods, her eyes burning with unshed tears. "And honestly, neither am I."

"I wanted to go find him. Find something other than a bloody sword." Felicity rolled her eyes. "I know it was pretty concrete evidence but...Well it did come from Malcolm Merlyn and he's an abominable human being so..."

Laurel lets out a sad little laugh. Felicity manages a smile too, and she realises it feels foreign to her, she hasn't done it in so long.

"Are you determined to do this?" Laurel asks.

Felicity shrugs. "I was. I don't know..."

"Well, if you are then your going to have to defend yourself better. I was in here for ages before you realised." Laurel shrugs, feigning flippancy as she scans Felicity's bedroom. "Though of course it would just be easier to have someone else to defend you." She glances up at Felicity from under her eyelashes, surprising her with her hesitance.

"Are you..." Felicity shakes her head, and she really is smiling now, smiling so much she can't stop. "Are you saying...you'll come with me? To find our probably dead ex boyfriend slash...almost boyfriend...person?"

Laurel sidles up to her, nodding.

"Even the arrow had a body guard."


	2. into darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more laurel/felicity this time. don't worry, we'll get there. also this was meant to be longer but i pushed it into two.

She's sat silently staring out the grimy window, hugging her legs, chin on her knees.

Nanda Parbat.

Felicity watches as the city moves and pulses underneath them. She imagines Oliver's heart, beating away out there somewhere. Flickering to life, like the old buzzing sign hanging from the wall of their inn.

She hears Laurel shift behind her on the single bed, the springs squeaking as she slept. Felicity glances at her, gentle eyes settling eventually on her furrowed brow. She wonders what she is dreaming about. What are the images that haunt her at night? Sara? Beautiful, dead Sara? Oliver - in the unknown? What kind of danger and death follows her around now? 

Felicity sighs. They were all running from the darkness that wanted to swallow them, and she had brought Laurel right into it. She had dragged her here on what everyone thought was a suicide mission. She feels a pang of guilt in her chest as she turns back to the window.

Sometime later she hears the quiet pads of Laurel's bare feet as she approached her. When her hand rests softly on her shoulder, Felicity reaches up and entwines their fingers.  
On the plane journey she had come to a decision when thinking about their conversation in the foundry. She'd fallen asleep thinking about it and it was the best sleep she'd had in days. So she decided to trust Laurel. Not that she didn't already of course - but now she would trust her enough to let her help her.

Now though she wonders if that had been selfish. Laurel was the only one to help her and she had wanted that calm, that certainty and for it she had allowed Laurel to put herself in danger.

"What are you thinking about?" Laurel asks quietly.

Felicity sighs again. "What if you're hurt because of me?" She shakes her head. "What if you..."

Laurel rests her head against hers and Felicity finds that she is used to the steady contact that had emerged between them almost instantly.

"Don't think about that. It won't happen. I promise."

Felicity almost rolls her eyes, but she stops - Oliver never promised because he knew he couldn't keep them. Maybe Laurel could. Maybe she knew she really could.

"Come on." Laurel carries on, smiling. "We have a lot to do tomorrow."

Laurel tugs on her hand and Felicity lets her gently pull her from the window sill. When she finally looks at Laurel, she is bathed from moonlight from the window, glowing like some holy vision against the menacing dark. It gave her tired eyes a shimmer, a glint of light, a spark of life, even at this hour. Her hair is a little dishevelled from where she'd been sleeping. Seeing this, it makes her heartbreakingly human, and real and there with her, and Felicity feels a sudden pang of emotion as Laurel takes her other hand too. Laurel doesn't stop looking at her as she begins to move backwards, like she's willing all of her strength into her just to move her feet.

"We need sleep." Laurel says. The smile is still there, but its almost teasing now. "Let's go to bed."

Felicity starts the tiniest bit at those words, but if Laurel sees the slight blush on her cheeks she doesn't let on as they lay next to each other carefully on their stupid, tiny bed.

For the second time, in Laurel's presence, Felicity manages to sleep.

 

Felicity blinks awake to blinding sunlight and an empty space beside her. For a moment, she doesn't know which is more dizzying to her. Despite the smallness of the bed, that space feels miles long.

She blinks to get her bearings and realises she doesn't have her glasses on any more. Finding them on the slightly crooked bedside table she supposes Laurel must have taken them off to protect them.

She sits up as Laurel steps out of the adjoining bathroom and grins at her. How the hell anyone can look so refreshed in the morning is beyond Felicity's comprehension. She's scraped her long hair back into a ponytail and now stands at the foot of the bed, her hands on her hips. 

"You had some basic training with John right?"

Felicity nods. "Yes...but mostly my tablet, my computers...they do my fighting for me. But I did run someone over once, so I guess I'm resourceful when I need to be." She smiles, but Laurel still bites her lip with worry.

"I would still feel better if we practice before we do anything else. I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't do everything I could to protect you." She scuffs her foot on the floor uncomfortably. "Oliver wouldn't forgive me either."

Felicity looks down a little guiltily. She had expected more of a gut reaction. For so long they had avoided his name, avoided talking about him. But she felt calm. She missed him and she would give anything to have him back - but the dread weight was gone, it wasn't breaking her like before. Since she had started this journey, starting doing something, found an ally in Laurel, she felt anchored in the world again. She was letting little bits of feeling back in. But should she? She was supposed to be thinking about Oliver, not the way Laurel's hand looked like it was reaching for hers when they slept.

 

So they fight. Felicity realises that though she remembers the moves, she isn't as good as she thought. Before she can grow really nervous about it however, Laurel would move onto the next move, trying to encourage her to keep going.

It's with this encouragement that they slowly begin to enjoy themselves. They almost forget why they are here, learning this - they are too busy laughing at the absurdity of them trying to fight each other in this tiny room, knees bumping into the bed.

"No, keep your arm up." Laurel reaches to push up on Felicity's elbow. She's done it before that morning of course, but for some reason then their eyes meet and everything around them seems to still. Laurel's fingers trace softly down her arm.

Then suddenly Felicity feels a foot swing up behind her leg, toppling her over and back onto the bed with a cry.

"Concentrate." Laurel calls and Felicity doesn't miss the mocking tone in her sing song voice.

Felicity groans with a laugh and covers her face with her hands. Laurel lays down beside her with a sympathetic chuckle. "Don't take this the wrong way." She said. "But I don't know why Oliver hasn't taught you to fight."

Felicity sighs. "The way he sees it is that I'll be less likely to be in danger if I don't can't join the fights."

Laurel frowns. "That doesn't make any sense. Your in danger anyway."

Felicity is glad that someone finally disagrees with Oliver. "Well you know how stubborn he is. He thinks he's protecting me...which for some reason means not listening to me. I can only dread to think what he'll say when he finds out about all this."

Laurel knows they are both avoiding the if's of this whole thing, but she lets her say it like that all the same.

"Do you think he'll change his mind now?...about you and him I mean?" The joking tone of their conversation has gone now. Laurel sounded more shy and hesitant than she ever had done.

Felicity can't help but try to read her face as Laurel avoids looking at her. Felicity wants to take her hand, to reassure her of something, but she doesn't know what.

She thinks about the familiar hollow feeling in her stomach, but not from grief this time - but something else entirely. The warmth of Laurel's skin, the comforting nearness of her, was something she did not want to lose.

This wasn't an entirely new feeling for her. She had always been just as distracted by Sara on the salmon ladder as by Oliver. It was not this feeling she was afraid of, but what these feelings led to.

"I don't think he will." She answers her in a tone that suggested she had no doubt. "And even if he did...I don't know how much difference it would make." She speaks slowly now, like the truth is only just revealing itself to her.

Laurel sits up a little in surprise. "But...you were so in love with him." She whispers.

"But...I don't want to wait for him to dictate my relationships. I don't wan to worry every time he leaves that he won't come back. "Heroes leave you. Heroes die." She looks Laurel right in the eye and they both know Oliver is not the only person they are talking about. They are speaking to the silent, secret parts of each other, the parts only the other understood.

"I won't fall for another vigilante. I won't fall for someone else that will choose death and misery before me. I deserve more...I deserve more."

Laurel stiffens at her words and she shifts to stare at the ceiling. Felicity sighs and does the same.

Neither of them speak.


	3. did you think i was immortal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its taken so long. im really busy with uni work atm.

Laurel had forgotten about the mountain.

They are miles from anywhere. Behind them was a forest, ominous in its vastness. Well trodden but remote country paths, ancient and imposing, whispering at her back.

Wind and snow batters her as she looks back at Felicity.

Felicity was tramping along behind her, quiet, determined and steady. She had no doubt on her face as she stopped and looked around for a moment.

Laurel had been feeling surges of affection over these glimpses of who Felicity really was. Not the rambling, cutesy IT girl - this girl, with strength and belief. She was slow and steady and certain. Laurel wanted that kind of determination. She wanted to open herself to that believe. It reminded her of the person she used to be.

She supposed that was why she was here. Oliver's death, she could maybe have born. She had done it all before, after all. Just could just about have born Sara's, and Tommy's. But what she could not bare, what she could never bare, was the suffering of others. She had seen how desperate Felicity had been, and she wanted to take that away so much. She'd felt her bones straining against her skin with it.

Felicity had that affect on people. And Laurel felt herself getting sucked in deeper and deeper. With Oliver, with Tommy - there had been so much baggage, so much trauma there, stretching inside of her, scratching at her. Her relationship with Felicity was still good, still true, still honest. Her other relationships all felt like playing Russian roulette, like she was always flinching away, waiting for the end. With Felicity she didn't feel that at all. She didn't question why she had started comparing her friendship with her to all her old boyfriends - she didn't want to question it, for once. She knew what it was, but she ignored that part and focused on how, for the first time in almost a decade, she wasn't scared.

 

But the mountain scared her now. It was dark and impossible - and she began to truly realise what they were doing. It had been easy enough to forget, bundled up in that tiny room. But hadn't Oliver done this too? She wanted to press her fingers against the cold rock, wanted to know if his hands had been there too. She thinks she would know, just like Felicity did. After all these years, she still knew what his hands felt like.

"Are we...climbing this?" She turns to Felicity as she reaches her, her face clouded in worry.

Felicity raises her eyebrows in surprise. "What?" She almost laughs. "No! Of course not. I can barely walk up a hill, never mind climb that thing. No. Don't worry, I called someone."

Laurel frowns at her, totally confused at the sly grin creeping onto Felicity's face.

And then, of course, it happens in a flash.

 

"I can't believe you made me come to china." Barry says, only half teasing. "I have a job you know."

"Oh please." Felicity rolls her eyes. "You could probably run to china if you wanted."

Laurel smiled despite the absurdity of it. Barry had arrived out of nowhere, and now she understood why Felicity had been looking around so much, why she had seemed so calm.

Barry kept staring at Felicity and Laurel could see the apprehension on his face. She got the impression that Felicity perhaps hadn't told him the entire story. Or maybe she had, and he somehow trusted Laurel enough to take care of her, which was equally scary. She wonders when Felicity even thought of this.

"Laurel should go first. We don't know what's up there." Barry says and laurel agrees.

She doesn't have time to voice her agreement however before he approaches her, his arms out. Laurel sighed, and let him pick her up.

 

Everything is a sickening blur, but just for a moment. She feels like her heart - and her stomach - had been left at the bottom of the mountain as she steadies herself.

Barry hold his hand out kindly. "You OK? Takes a while to get used to."

Laurel nods a little numbly and laughs in relief as she calms down. 

"So...can I ask you a question?" He starts hesitantly.

She looks up at him, nodding, knowing what's coming and dreading it.

"Is she...OK? I mean, I know she isn't - about Oliver. But now you're both here and..." He trails off awkwardly.

"She will be. We aren't crazy - I don't think...Barry...He's alive." She stresses, and she's saying it for all of them, for everyone who loved Oliver, who needed it, everyone she'd left behind.

He nods kindly. "I want to believe you. I know better than anyone to believe in the impossible. And Felicity was always a believer. But if she's putting herself in danger..."

"She is. But she always does. And Oliver did it too. Sometimes we have to do these things for the people we love. No one else is doing this for him."

"But if I help her do this and she gets hurt..." Barry shakes his head like he's willing the thought away and she sees a little of Felicity in the gesture. "Just keep her safe. Both of you - come back alive."

"That's the plan." She grins, but they both know it isn't genuine.

As Barry smiles and turns back to make his way to Felicity, she calls out to him. "Hey!"

He turns back quickly.

"You didn't run to china - did you?"

"What?" He splutters. "No, I got a plane like a normal person."

He shakes his head like she's crazy before he disappears. 

Well, it was worth asking.

 

They walk. They walk for a long time, not really knowing where they were going. Felicity didn't want Barry taking them all the way there, getting himself in danger because of their plan. So she and Laurel walked in the only direction available to them: forward.

Snow and cold bites at their faces harshly, like its trying to keep its secrets in the mist, away from them.

Felicity wraps her arms around herself and marches on. It is all she can do. Laurel is in front of her, but close enough to touch. And she follows that figure, the only living breathing thing here, like she's golden, pulling her home through the labyrinth of this blinding winter.

When it gets too dark they set up a tent - Felicity's fingers were too cold not to fumble with the equipment at first, but she was always good with her hands. Once her fingers warmed up, it was comforting, cathartic, to put everything in its proper place. It felt like building a computer, it felt safe, as she crawled in next to Laurel and everything turned to orange plastic around them.

They didn't speak as they lay next to one another, huddling for warmth. They didn't need to speak. They were both cold and wanted someone next to them. They lay comfortably with one another, instantly finding their patterns, finding where they fit against one another. And finally, finally, Felicity can hear something other than the howling, painful wind. She could hear Laurel's breathing, her heartbeat, pounding like it was trying to let her know she wasn't alone.

The next thing she hears is the scrape of a sword.

It all happens so quickly that it felt like one minute they were safe, inside that little tent together, then they were cold and far apart.

Something ripped through the thing material, opening them to the elements, she tumbled away, her hands scraping on rocks under the snow as she tried to crawl away, anywhere. But where was Laurel?

Felicity whipped around. It took a minute for her to squint through the whirring snow and darkness - but then she saw her. She was fighting, of course she was fighting.

So Felicity pushes herself up and surges forward. What she's going to do she doesn't know.

She doesn't reach her. She isn't far away though, when she feels the strong arms wrapping around her, dragging her away. She lets out a yelp as another hand clamps over her mouth. She's trashing around all she can, but they are holding her arms, she can't even move her elbows or anything. She's helpless.

Helpless as they push her down. They hold her face against the snow, and she can see as Laurel is pushed down beside her. She wants to scream, to do anything, but she can't. Laurel had blood on her face, her eyes were wild.

This was it. They were done. She's brought her here and they were dying. She didn't want to think about dying, as it was happening. She didn't want to think that she had killed Laurel. She didn't want that to be the last thing she did. She can't even remember the last words she'd said.

Felicity feels the knife against her throat and suddenly panics. She's trying to think of anything, time is running out. Oliver, her mother, Dig, Sara - little Sara too. 

Laurel.

Without her thinking, Felicity feels her hand moving. She's flailing it in the air, grabbing at nothing, reaching as far as she can, hoping, hoping Laurel can see. 

Then she feels their hands entwine clumsily and as they do, she refuses to let go once she has her.

This is the last thing she's going to do. They were together. She had to do something, say something.

"I love you!" She says.

It is the only thing she can say. She wants that to be the last thing she says. She wants Laurel to know she is loved. That she died loved and not alone. She wants to feel love. She wants love to govern her descent into the darkness, and not fear.

She has no idea if Laurel can hear here, but she keep saying it, hoping she can see it on her face. Laurel is staring at her intently, like she dare not look anywhere else.

"You too!" She manages to stutter. "I love you too."

And however they mean it, its enough.

Felicity closes her eyes.

 

And so she hears it, rather than sees it.

Shouting, in a language she doesn't understand.

But then the sharpness is gone, her neck is free from the weapons that had been pressed there.

Laurel is tugged up, away from her, then Felicity was too.

She looks ahead of her and knows instantly what was happening.

"Stop! These are sisters to Ta-er al-sahfer. They must be kept alive."

Nyssa Al Ghul, heir to the demon, was stood in front of them in all her terrifying glory. 

Her stillness against the chaos of snow was impossible, and deadly.


	4. and not to yield

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Made weak by time and fate,  
> but strong in will,  
> to strive, to seek, to find,  
> and not to yield."  
> Ulysses, Alfred Lord Tennyson

The whole time the bag was over her head, she listened through the suffocating darkness.

She listens for Laurel's breathing, to know she is close.

She listens to her own deafening heartbeat and the howling of the wind. She thinks it sounds like screaming.

It is impossible, Felicity soon finds out, to memorize any kind of road or path they might be taking. Its hard, trekking without being able to see, but her captors push and shove and prod her along, endlessly, mercilessly, and all she can do is hope they don't drive her to a cliff edge.

Hours could have passed, or minutes. A few angry tears escape her eyes and its the only time she;s grateful for the hood. She hated anyone seeing her cry.

 

Despite the dimness of the room, the candlelight blinds her for a second when they finally rip off the hood, until her eyes adjust and she begins to look wildly around.

She had heard the creaking of large doors when they had entered in from the cold, felt herself warm up slowly. But she didn't really know wht was hapening until they had pushed her down roughly, onter her knees, which slammed painfully against the stone floor.

As she lookes around now, Felicity didn't see anyone except her guards stood either side of her. Nyssa was not here, and, sickeningly to Felicity, neither was Laurel.

"Where is she?" She barked, her voice in a high pitch panic that she would have hated if she wasn't so focused on her worry for Laurel. "Where's Laurel? Please, what have you done with her?" The guards looked stoically forward and gave no answer.

"Surely you didn't come all this way to ask me that?"

A low voice, in the shadows. She whipped back around, searching the gloom.

 

"Nyssa! Nyssa, please! You have to tell me where Felicity is!" Laurel pleads as she is marched quickly down a large, ominous stone corridor. 

All the corridors looked the same in this place. Lit only by candles glowing in the dark, the shadows felt alive, and endless. As she was marched into the nothing by Nyssa gripping her arm painfully, all Laurel could think was that each step took her further and further from Felicity.

 

"Please." Felicity starts, and is surprised at how small her voice sounds. "Please just tell me she's safe."

It doesn't matter that her has not yet emerged from the darkness. She knows with no doubt just who she is talking to.

"She is safe, for now." 

And then Ra's Al Ghul steps out in front of her, his face half in shadow, like he is made from it.

Felicity didn't know what she had expected, but it wasn't this. This man looked far younger than she'd thought.

But in some ways, she knew then, it didn't matter. He could look like anything. It was his name that haunted, his name. His skills that made him a living myth. He could look like everything and nothing and still be a nightmare.

"I know why you are here, Felicity Smoak."

She's about to ask how he knows her name before realising how stupid that was. Instead, she bites her lip, lets him speak.

"You want to know what happened to Oliver Queen." He carries on, pacing slightly in front of her. And intimidation tactic, she knows. She doesn't want to let it work.

She closes her eyes briefly. She couldn't stand hearing his name on the lips of the man that had taken him. That name did not belong to him. Neither did Laurel's, and neither did hers. They were words she couldn't let him take from her. She had to keep them inside her, in her hollow places. She had to use them, let them make her strong.

"I want to know...where he is." She says steadily. She doesn't dare look him in the eye, scared of the answer she will find there.

Just then the door opens, and a few few echoey footsteps later Nyssa appears, coming to stand beside her father. Now Felicity knows where Nyssa got her stoicism from. Her face revealed nothing, no matter how Felicity searched it. Not a single flicker, no clue as to where Laurel was, and in what state.

"I do feel sympathy for your loss." R'as spoke calmly, irritatingly so. He's the one that caused the loss in the first place. "Truly. My own daughter lost her beloved, and I see the same pain in your eyes. But, I hope you can find comfort in the fact that he fought bravely. He left this world with honour."

And the steadiness snaps within her. 

"I don't find comfort!" She snaps, her breathing becoming ragged as her anger builds. "I don't want your comfort, or your condescension. I want my friends. I want proof. Until then, I refuse to believe he's dead." She cries angrily. And now she does look up. She is staring down the worlds greatest fighter, and she is not afraid.

Ra's shakes his head patronizingly. "I ran a sword through the boys chest! That is your proof!" He growls, and Felicity can feel tears burning her eyes but she refuses to let them fall. "And even if he were alive, and I were keeping him here somewhere. What was your master plan? Did you think you could walk straight in here, undetected, and steal him away from underneath me?"

Actually, yes. She had thought that, however naively. She'd thought she could find him. If they didn't alert any guards, there didn't need to be any fighting. And she had gotten this far, hand't she? She had come face to face with Ra's Al Ghul himself. She had gotten so close.

She'd gotten so close. The idea breaks her heart a little. Almost, she thought. Maybe still.

"I found you from the basement of a nightclub." She hisses before she thinks about it. "The biggest secret, the deadliest warriors and I found you. No one told me where to go, I did it myself. If anyone could get in here, it would be me." She scowls at him and he raises his eyebrows. Beside him, Nyssa straightens a little in indignation, but they cannot deny the truth of her words. "So tell me what I want to know, or so help me God when I get out of here, I will burn this place to the ground with the flip of a switch."

And to her surprise, Ra's smirks.

"I admire your bravery. Its rather stupid, of course, but admirable all the same. And you are right, you did manage to find us here, somehow. I can see why Oliver kept you around. However, you must understand, I cannot have you running around, sharing our location with everyone...I don't suppose you want a new job?"

Felicity doesn't dignify that with an answer, and Ra's sighs.

"I thought as much. Take her." He nods to the guards who grab her roughly and pull her to her feet.

As they drag her away, Nyssa steps forward. "Father!" She calls, and the guards halt.

Slowly, menacingly, Ra's turns to his daughter, and Felicity wonders what this is costing her.

"Her actions were out of grief. As were those of Laurel. Surely - "

"Laurel Lance had her justice! I avenged the death of her sister! As for her - " He pointed at Felicity as his shouts reverberated round the room. "She came here for the truth, and I gave it to her! I have been more than fair, and now we must act to protect ourselves!"

"She is harmless! I'm sure if you return her companion to her, that would be more than enough to ensure she does not threaten us - "

"A girl who can find this place is not harmless. A girl, with no fighting experience whatsoever, who can climb to us here, is not harmless, and you know that. You wish to spare them because of their connection to Ta-er al-Sahfer only, and that is what makes you weak. Take her away!" He spits at the guards and they drag Felicity away again.

She tries to catch Nyssa's eye as she is taken, but she's staring at the floor, and does not look up.

 

The grate metal bars open with a creak, and Felicity is pushed inside what she can only assume to be a real life dungeon cell. 

"Felicity!" She hears her name before she sees her, feels her arms around her tightly. Laurel's hands reach up and press her head against her shoulder, her fingers in her hair. Felicity wraps her arms around her just as tightly. She's tangible, and real and alive in her arms, and she's never been more grateful for anything.

Laurel pulls away from her, her hands moving to press against her cheeks. "I didn't know what had happened to you. I didn't know if-" Her breath hitches and she stops, and it is only then that Felicity realises she is crying.

Felicity wipes her thumbs against Laurel's cheeks, catching her tears and shaking her head kindly. "I'm OK. What about you? Did they hurt you?"

Laurel shakes her head and manages a smile before pressing their foreheads together, steadying their breathing, trying to calm down.

 

Felicity tells her everything that happened as they lean back against the wall. Laurel hand't let go of her since they had been reunited, and their fingers were currently entwined as Felicity talked. She ended with what Nyssa had done for them, and Laurel sighed.

"At least she tried." She said quietly. "She knows what we both meant to Sara."

"Yeah." Felicity nodded. "Though she called me her sister too - which would be wonderful, except it would make what happened last new years eve a little strange."

Laurel sat up with a curious smirk. "And what, pray tell, does that mean exactly?"

Felicity closes her eyes and shakes her head with a chuckle. "All right. So I didn't tell anyone this...but Sara...kissed me."

Laurel gasps and screws her eyes shut for a moment. "What?" She laughs.

"Like I said. It was new years. She wasn't with Oliver any more, and she definitely wasn't with Nyssa. I stayed in Starling because I didn't want her to be alone...I think maybe you were having a fight...again." She mumbles awkwardly, but Laurel doesn't say anything and she carries on. "Anyway, we were in Verdant, obviously, so we ended up sneaking some whiskey and one thing led to another...and she kissed me. And I let her. To be honest it was kind of nice. I always adored Sara, so...it didn't even feel weird. We never talked about it, but there was a moment when it ended...and I could tell she was glad she'd done it."

She's sombre now. She tried not to think about that moment, because thinking about her relationship with Sara sometimes made her sad. There had always been this hidden element to them that she could never define, or had never found the courage to define. After that night Sara had moved on, and it had been left down there, in the foundry, between them. Felicity wonders what she could have done differently, if she should have done anything.

"She came over that night, to my place." Laurel says. "Came to apologise. Brought me ice cream even though it was freezing outside. We ate it and watched stupid reality TV. It was a good night. She told me that she'd realised she wanted to put the people she loved first."

"That's nice." Felicity murmured, staring at their hands. She feels Laurel nod against her shoulder.

"You know, I used to get so angry about her and Oliver that I never thought about how she was with you. I mean...I got a little jealous because she was so friendly with you, and I wanted to be a proper sister to her. I wanted to be her friend too but for a long time...I just didn't know how. And you...you were this cute little thing that came out of nowhere, and Oliver was just so...captivated by you, and then Sara was too, and you knew my dad...and I don't know. It sounds stupid now, I guess."

"I don't think that sounds stupid at all. I do think I'm glad we got over that though, otherwise we might never have been friends."

"Could you have loved her?" Laurel whispers. "Sara? The same way you love Oliver?"

She turns her head to look at her but Felicity can't turn her face. She just nods. "Maybe. I think so. If things were different, I could have. But...it never happened like that."

"Do you think...you could ever...love someone else like that?"

Felicity does turn then, and she can see the nerves on Laurel's face, the hesitation in her eyes. Her eyes seemed bright though, even down here in the darkness.

And she knew in that second that she could. 

She's just about to answer when the door flings open. They jump apart, standing up quickly, Laurel moving protectively in front of Felicity.

Then Nyssa steps into the door way, her face determined. "Come on." Is all she says.

Felicity is about to step forward when Laurel puts her hand out to stop her. "Why are you helping us?" Laurel asks. Despite the fact she knew Nyssa had defended them, defending them and actively defying Ra's Al Ghul were two entirely different things.

Nyssa turns back with an annoyed sigh. "When Oliver tried to get me to side with him, he told me Sara would have not wished his death. I ignored him, because above all, I wished for vengeance. I do not regret his death for a moment, but I would regret yours. Sara would truly never forgive me. And..." She looked at Laurel directly then. "You lived a life time with her that I never got. Once you die, there is no one to remember that. The last parts of her will die. I cannot allow that kind of light to leave this world yet."

This answer seems to satisfy Laurel.

She moves forward, following Nyssa, her hand taking hold of Felicity's once more.


	5. like a lily in a flood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been so long i'm sorry!!! hopefully someone is still reading this...
> 
> "White and golden Lizzie stood,  
> like a lily in a flood -  
> like a rock of blue veined stone,  
> lashed by tides obstreperously -  
> like a beacon left alone  
> in a hoary roaring sea"
> 
> \- Goblin market, Christina Rossetti

The catacombs are dark and echoing and Felicity has no idea where they are going as they follow Nyssa blindly. All she knows is that Laurel is holding her hand.

She feels she is in a daze. Even as they crash through the back entrance, into the world, under the stars and the night air hits her in her bones, she barely comprehends it at all. She lets go of Laurel's hand and stills.

She feels like the flame of the candle that has burnt out. She wished she could rise up like smoke and float away into nothing. She's standing outside the lair of the demon with nothing to show for her efforts, with no one. It had all been pointless.

"Felicity what are you doing?" Laurel hisses, finally noticing that Felicity wasn't following her.

Felicity blinks once or twice, looking at her as if she had forgotten all about her. Laurel - bright, indomitable, precious. Brave and strong - like Sara, like Oliver, like everyone who would have pulled this mission off. Like everyone who always took care of Felicity, like everyone she felt she could never be. And she had almost gotten her killed. Laurel could have died and Felicity couldn't imagine a world without her. It hurt her in her soul to think that kind of life could have been ripped from the world so easily because of her own stupid actions. And hand't it already, with Oliver? He wasn't here. He was dead.

"We have to go!" Nyssa shouts and Laurel holds up a hand to stop her as she approaches Felicity.

"Please, Felicity." Laurel urges, not unkindly.

"You should just go." Felicity whispers, because for the life of her she cannot will her feet to move. She doesn't want to do anything.

"You know I'm not leaving you." Laurel snaps, glancing warily around for any sign of the league.

"You almost died." Felicity closes her eyes briefly, tears filling them. "And Oliver..."

"Look, just because he isn't here doesn't mean -"

"Yes it does!" Felicity cries, looking straight at Laurel, her eyes blazing. She can feel the anger in her fingertips. Its like that day back in the foundry that started all of this, the day the wave hit. And she was letting herself drown all over again. "He's dead, Laurel! He's gone, he isn't coming back this time! All of this was for absolutely nothing! I was so stupid to think any of this could work!"

Laurel shakes her head and stamps over to her, placing her hands firmly on her shoulders as Felicity begins to sob.

"Listen to me!" Laurel demands, undeterred by the fact Felicity won't look at her. "It wasn't pointless. We had to know if he was here. Just because he wasn't doesn't mean we can't find him."

"But-"

"No! Do you think you're the only one that loved him? I want him back as much as you do! You refused to give up on him once, you can't do that now! Forget what everyone else said. When you're in love with someone, you feel them like they're a part of you. You feel them existing somewhere in the world. You told me that you felt him, and I believe you. I believe in you. I know your heart, and I know you're right. We just have to keep going." Laurel finally breathes, scared shallow breaths, her eyes wide and clinging to Felicity's. She puts her hand against her cheek.

Oliver used to do that too. How is it she sees so much of him in Laurel? Felicity doesn't know. But she knew Laurel was asking for her to trust her. She owed her that, of course. But she had no idea what they were going to do now. She couldn't see where this path led.

"I'm asking you to please come with me. I can't leave here without you. If you don't want this to be for nothing then we have to go before they find us, and we have to go together. Felicity..." Laurel softens. "We have to stay together. We have to always be together."

And Felicity knows then, knows that this is true. And Laurel's words wash over her, and she feels that familiar tug, and she knows without doubt that no matter what she felt, she had to make sure that Laurel was alright. She had to know she hadn't hurt her, or abandoned her. Oliver was gone, but Laurel wasn't. She was beautiful and alive and she needed her.

Felicity nods and Laurel's face brakes out in a wide smile.

They hear Nyssa sighing loudly behind them and Felicity lets Laurel take her hand again as they move forward.

"When we get further down you will someone will be there to meet you. I cannot go any further, my absence will be noticed soon." She says, leading them a little further down and waiting for them to pass her.

"Thank you Nyssa." Laurel says, and she means it. She presses her hand against Nyssa's shoulder, who looks at it as if she isn't used to contact, but she doesn't say anything. She just nods.

"Who's meeting us?" Felicity asks before she turns away.

"We call him Sarab...it means phantom. He knew Oliver Queen. And just as I did not wish for my beloved's family to die, he did not wish for Oliver's family to die."

And then she disappears into the darkness, just as she had arrived.

 

When they reach him, he is stood stock still, waiting. Felicity wonders how long he'd been stood like that. She stands a little further off with Laurel, waiting for some kind of reaction. He simply nods at them, turns, and begins his journey.

They rush to keep up with him, but make sure they jostle at one another's side, like just by touching each other they are protected.

"So...do we call you Sarab?" Felicity asks awkwardly. Laurel doesn't say anything, as if she wants to know just as much.

He doesn't answer.

"Nyssa said you knew Oliver and that's why you're helping us...where are we going?" She continues, more to ward of the the inky darkness of the night than because she thinks he'll say anything.

Eventually, after a moment, he stops and turns to them. Felicity and Laurel bump awkwardly against each other as they avoid walking into him.

"Here, I am not acting for the league. You may call me Maseo...and I am taking you to Oliver Queen."


	6. the light of the dark black night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly  
> Into the light of the dark black night
> 
> \- Blackbird, The Beatles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a laurel chapter! i don't do enough of them really, because i do love writing for her. Hope you guys like it! there is still more to come. we're getting there guys...

It is warm when Laurel enters the little house after Felicity. It hits her the way burning heat always hits you, when you've been out in the cold. It stings its way through your veins, your cracks and fissures, until you come back to yourself.

But the warmth doesn't last long.

She only fully sees Oliver from behind Felicity as she rushes forward and they wrap their arms around one another. She was of course elated. But she knew as she watched them, that as she gained him, she would lose Felicity.

Oliver presses Felicity tightly against him and Laurel sees him whisper something to her. She will never know what. Some kind of secret, some moment, some breath of love, a language she could never speak.

Oliver pulls away from Felicity and it is Laurel's turn. She presses herself against him, willing him to feel familiar. But he doesn't, not anymore. Just like last time, the Oliver queen that had returned to her was not like the boy she had loved, when she was still a child. Now he was too hard, too sharp, all elbows and knife points against her bones.

When she steps back she feels Felicity squeeze her hand briefly, and it feels like a goodbye.

That's when she notices that Oliver is peering behind her, his forehead wrinkled into a confused v, his eyes narrow.

"What is it?" She breathes, and her voice sounds too loud in the quiet room. She glances briefly at Maseo and his wife, who he had told them about on the way here, but they seemed just as curious as she was. "Did you hear something?"

She hears Felicity's worried intake of breath at her question, but stops herself turning to her. She had Oliver to protect her now.

"No...it's just...where are the others?" Oliver asks plainly.

Now it is Felicity who looks confused. She begins to stumble over an explanation. "Dig of course, didn't want to believe..."

But Laurel isn't listening to the explanation. She is watching Oliver's face. And he does not look happy. A coil of anger begins to slither inside of her, the hollow darkness begins filling with sparks. Because she knows. She knows he isn't just asking because he wants to see Dig and Roy. He's wondering how the hell they made it here without them. She wants to rage. She wants to show him how, suddenly, with her still split knuckles. He didn't think either of them could make it here without the boys leading the way. The women he loved were an idea to him. He didn't love the realness of them, the here-ness of them, the bruised and battered and brokenness of them. She had resown all her sinews for him. She had coated her bones in iron. She had screamed and cried and lost her heart in the snow because of him, and even now, she was letting him touch the pure brightness she longed for. And he didn't even believe in her. Or Felicity, not really. Not when it counted.

Laurel steps back, shaking her head, her angry eyes wide.

"You two came here on your own? are you insane?" Oliver asked, his voice low.

"We were the only ones who...everyone thought you were dead, Oliver. We had to come and find you!" Felicity cries, and Laurel hears her voice shaking.

No, thought Laurel. No. Oliver didn't get to do this. Not to Felicity. Laurel could give up anything, do anything, for Felicity to be happy. She could even accept that she wanted to be with Oliver, and not her, even though that thought made her feel like she was drowning. But she couldn't let him do this.

"You could have been killed, both of you!" Oliver throws his hands up.

"They almost were." Maseo chips in, rather unhelpfully and Oliver shakes his head. He shuffles on his feet, the way he did every time he was preparing for a fight. Then he pointed. All these familiar gestures should have been comforting to Laurel, reminded her he was here and alive. But now they infuriated her.

"You..." He points at her and Laurel flinches, her anger ticking inside of her like a bomb. "Should have known better than to let her do this."

Laurel shakes her head as Felicity begins to protest.

"It is not her fault, Oliver!" Felicity stresses.

"And i didn't let her do anything. Unlike you, I don't think i can just order people around. You have no idea..." she drifts off, the incomprehensibility rendering her speechless. 

"No idea about what? That you two went toe to toe with Ra's al Ghul with no backup, no training, no idea what you were doing..."

"No idea!" Laurel barks, and he is silent instantly. Everyone in the room is silent, the silence is suffocating. Her voice rang out, terrible, awful, angry. She had watched the person she felt closest to bound into his arms, she had felt her leaving her, a real and viseral ache, and now it was choking out of her. All the loss, all the fighting, all the love and fury.

"No idea, what we went through to get you back! Yes, we almost died. But we didn't! we fought and clawed our way to you and you're too much of a jackass to appreciate it."

"I want you to be safe-"

"Right." She's pacing toward him now. "you're just protecting us. But do you ever think maybe we don't need protecting? She..." Laurel points at Felicity, who is biting her lip, angry tears brimming in her eyes, making them shine. "She walked through hell for you. She doesn't need your protection. Yeah, she went toe to toe with Ra's. And he was so afraid, so in awe, he offered her a place with him. She is so much more dangerous, so much braver than you will ever understand. And of all the people in the world she could love, she loves you. She did all that for you. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have someone who would do that for you? Clearly not. Because if you did you wouldn't constantly hurt her and treat her like shit!" 

When she finishes the silence returns, only broken by her ragged breathing. Her hands are shaking at her side and Oliver's face is infuriatingly impassive.

"I think i'm going to go...sleep...or cry, or something." Felicity whispers as Laurel and Oliver stare at her. She shoves past them violently. Laurel is the first to turn and watch her go into the small bedroom in the corner.

Oliver makes a move to follow her but Laurel stops him, without a word, thunder in her eyes.

"Maybe I shouldn't have said it like that. But you shouldn't have risked your lives for me. I'm not worth that." Oliver whispers to her.

"Maybe she thought you were." Laurel replies. "I don't know how anyone can deserve someone like that. But i know it isn't like this." She finishes quietly, not meeting his eye. Then she moves forward, away from him, toward the door Felicity had closed behind her.

 

The room is pitch black, but Laurel knows where Felicity is without seeing her. She had spent too many nights with her not too. She could find the light of her body, even in the darkness.

She is curled up on a small cot beside the wall, and doesn't turn when Laurel closes the door behind her.

"I'm sorry." Laurel whispers.

She can feel Felicity drifting even further away from her, even then. She knew, with her flash of anger, that she had burned her. She knew Felicity must see all that darkness roiling inside of her. Heroes leave you, she had said. No more heroes. Laurel knew that all that nothing that had filled Oliver up and pushed him away, that emptiness that Sara had clung too, was inside of her too. Felicity had seen that tonight. 

"I shouldn't have." Laurel carries on. "I just...couldn't bear him speaking to you like that. You know?" 

"I know." Felicity replies gently and they both know she isn't just talking about that. She's saying she knows, knows it all, knows why Laurel was so angry at Oliver. She knows there is something else, some insidious jealousy.

To Laurel's relief and sharp surprise, Felicity lifts her hand up for Laurel to take. And she does. It feels familiar. She  
can't help but think how it fits so much better into hers than anyone else. Oliver's arms had engulfed her. Laurel's arms delicately pressed around her as she laid down next to her - not a cage, not like his.

Laurel presses her face into Felicity's hair as they lay down next to each other. She doesn't care that anyone could come in at any moment. She only cares that this is the last time they will do this. She only cares that she will never feel this familiar body again, she will never fall asleep to the sound of her dreaming.

Because there was one thing that Laurel was sure about. Oliver - no, Ollie, her Ollie, had left, had died on an island, just like Tommy had died, and Sara. They had all left her. Joanna, her mother, her father. Everyone she loved. So why should Felicity be any different?. She had never been hers.

Everyone always leaves.


	7. bad blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angsty one. i hope this makes sense. its from both the girls' pov, so i hope i've explained their reasoning and thought processes properly!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you live like that you live with ghosts  
> If you love like that blood runs cold
> 
> \- Taylor Swift, Bad blood

she doesn't understand what she is hearing. The words feel so impossible, so foreign, that she feels like she's ripped out of time. Like she doesn't exist in the world. Like the very thought is a shift in the universe, impossible and cruel and happening, right now.

This was not her Oliver. Her Ollie would never, ever do this. this was not Sara's bright, shining golden by. This was not Tommy's brother in arms. This was not the boy she had had known since the beginning of forever. This was not the little boy she'd played weddings with, the boy who had called her Dinah when he was annoyed with her. This was not the boy who had been her first kiss, her first love, her first death - her first everything, it felt like. No. That boy was just another scar. That boy was dead. As dead as her sister.

"Are you completely insane?" Felicity's voice hits her from somewhere in the nothing, in the nowhere and she is pulled back to the somewhere with devastating force.

"He must be!" Dig joins in, glaring at Oliver.

Laurel feels the empty corners of the foundry creeping toward her. This was a home of ghosts, she thought. They were spreading their tendrils around her more and more, every second she stayed. and one of those ghosts was named Oliver queen.

"You cannot work with Malcolm Merlyn!" felicity snaps at Oliver. So laurel had heard right. She feels sick at the confirmation. "Not after everything he did to us!"

"I know, but its because of that that we need him. He is the kind of person who knows exactly what it takes to take on Ra's. he is the only person who can help me defeat him."

He killed Sara, laurel thinks. She feels like her whole body is screaming it, but no sound comes out. He killed her Sara. Her little baby sister. He took Thea and her hurt her and molded her, broke her down, crushed her to nothing, then built her back up, hard and cruel and cracked. He had damaged Thea's soul, and he had putt Sara's out.

"He killed my sister!" She manages to choke out, finally. "And he hurt yours."

She feels Felicity's hand on her back and resists the urge to press back against it, to float away on her fingers.

"I know. If there was any other way..." Oliver starts.

But laurel shakes her head. There might not be another way for him, but there was for her. She didn't need this. Oliver had been wrong. This wasn't an addiction to her, not the way it was to them. To the broken boys playing war - even to Felicity. She could leave. She could escape. And she would.

Because she would rather die right here than work with Malcolm Merlyn. He had broken her life.

Laurel steps away, shaking her head. "I won't do it."

"Laurel..."

It's felicity. She moves to stand in front of her, reaching out to gently clasp her arm. "Why are you defending him?" She hisses at her, ignoring the boys all watching them.

"I'm not!" Felicity says, glaring pointedly at Oliver, who rolls his eyes and shuffles uncomfortably. "This plan is ridiculous! But if you stay then maybe we can talk it out!"

"There's nothing to talk about." Oliver says, annoyingly calm.

"Shut up!" Felicity snaps at him. "You aren't helping!"

"None of this is helping!" Roy points out flippantly, like he couldn't care less.

And right then, because of that, neither can Laurel. She feels a thousand miles away, like none of this matters. She just want to leave. As she's contemplating, she sees Oliver and Felicity staring at each other. They way they used to, like there was no one else in the room. She hates them for it.

She had watched them on the way home, jealousy burning her insides. They had sat close together but she had noticed a hesitancy. They had been unsure of where they stood with one another.

Perhaps this was why. Perhaps Oliver knew he would lose her.

But had he? Felicity was still here, wasn't she? Whilst Laurel was trying not to vomit up her emptiness, Felicity was here.

Oh, she thinks. Now, somehow she understands. Now she saw, sharp as a pinprick, that nothing had changed. He was going to tell Felicity they couldn't be together. So it didn't matter if this cost him here, because he wouldn't let himself have her in the first place. Here she was, wishing she could feel those slender arms around her, and he was going to tell her he wasn't able to be with her.

Oliver was trying to protect Felicity. The logical part of her brain knew this. But who would protect them all from Malcolm Merlyn? that shell of a human being? That abusive empty husk? Oliver would let him in and their souls would be as shriveled and dead as his. Malcolm Merlyn was a plague upon this earth, a poison. And she had already poisoned herself enough. She didn't want him to take anyone else she loved away from her.

Laurel reaches out and grabs Felicity's hand tightly, desperately. "Please come." She says.

Felicity frowns, like she's confused. "I..."

Laurel looks around the room at them all. All of them staring, waiting for her to explode. This is exactly like that day. last time they were here, when they had looked at Felicity this way. When they had refused to believe her, believe in her, to trust her. And now she knew how that felt. It hurt beyond measure. It was an impossible feeling, one that Felicity should understand.

Laurel shakes her head, like she can't breath, and walks away from them.

 

The cold night air is sharp against her skin when felicity follows laurel out of the foundry. down there she had felt suffocated, and now she felt vulnerable, especially under Laurel's sharp glare.

"You have to know working with Merlyn isn't going to work." Laurel says to her.

She thought this, too. Felicity hated Oliver for doing this to her, to all of them. But everything was at stake now. He was doing this to them, but he was doing it for them too. And he was back. After everything they had done to find him, how could she leave now? What would be the point? Where would she go? With Laurel, she thinks. Into yet another unknown with that indomitable force.

But she remembers. No more heroes, she'd said. Heroes leave you. Isn't that what laurel was doing now?

"Please don't leave Laurel. You're the one that said we have to be together to get through this." She pleads.

Laurel is standing in the alleyway, the streetlights showering her in a furious halo. There are tears in her eyes.

"I won't work with that man." Laurel says emphatically. "You don't want to either! so come with me! choose me." She adds quietly.

Felicity feels like her heart is trying to break out of her bones, its deafening.

"It's not about choosing..." She starts, even though she knows its a lie.

"It is. You're choosing him over me." Laurel spits unkindly.

This makes felicity's anger flare up. She didn't like this any more than Laurel did, but hadn't they done things like this before? Didn't all of them know, the day they signed on, that being the hero meant making hard decisions?

"It isn't about choosing him or you. I'm choosing the team! they are my family!" Felicity explains. Laurel didn't get to make her the bad guy in this. What she was asking...it was more than she knew. The team, this is where she felt safe, valued. she didn't want to walk away, not knowing whether she could find all that again.

"What about my family?" Laurel cries.

Felicity wraps her arms around herself sadly. "You're being selfish." She says quietly, not even sure if she really thinks that. But this is a battle, she's realized. For whatever reason, they were fighting. All of the emotions they had been bottling up were coming out, and like anything that you keep inside, it was getting messy now. And Felicity knew she was strong. She had spent so long watching the others, thinking she was weaker than them. She couldn't bare the idea of Laurel thinking that way about her. A small whispering part of her knew that was crazy, that Laurel would never. But right now, in the frenzy of war, she was trying to protect herself.

"And you're being a coward." Laurel shoots back, making Felicity's mouth dropped open.

"Excuse me?" she whispers, barely believing her ears.

"You heard." Laurel says, though her tone is a little less harsh. Good, Felicity thinks. Let her feel bad for that one. "You know what you're doing. You are choosing him. Because it's going to be the same. He's going to say he loves you, but he can't be with you. And your going to accept it, because you are terrified of choosing someone else. Because you think they'll eventually say the same thing to you and you don't want to risk it not working out. So you'll stay with Oliver, never trying, never taking the risk. Even though I'm...I'm fucking stood in front of you right now, asking you to come with me! And I don't break my promises, not like him."

Felicity is frozen in shock. Laurel is breathing hard, her eyes blazing. And in that single second, she almost lets herself rush forward to her.

But she doesn't. She knew she was right. She was afraid, but as Felicity saw it, she had every reason to be. Laurel was leaving now, as soon as something happened she didn't agree with. She wasn't staying with her. And that was as bad as if it happened months later. At least now, if they parted, she could spare herself the pain of that. She didn't want to be unhappy. She wanted to love and be loved, but this wasn't how she wanted to get here. Not like this. She wanted to make her own choice instead of having these people make her choice for her. She wanted the team, her team, her friends. And she wanted, more than anything, to understand. To know, for sure, what she felt for Oliver and laurel. She couldn't choose either of them, not yet. she need to think. 

But there was no time to think. in her anger, Laurel wasn't giving her time. She felt rushed, like there wasn't anything she could do. She was in the middle of a game of tug of war. But if she left with laurel now, it would just start all over again. She had to finish one thing to start another. And whatever her and Oliver were, they weren't finished. Not yet.

Laurel steps toward her and Felicity's breath hitches in her throat. But she doesn't even look angry anymore. She looks like she pities her, which is even worse.

"I don't want to be...cruel. That kind of person...I don't want to be her anymore. Especially not to you. But I don't want to be Oliver's version of a hero either." Laurel explains. She's close to her now, close enough to briefly press their forehead together as Felicity squeezes her eyes shut. She can feel a door closing. Something was changing in her life irrevocably, and she could do nothing to stop it.

"But I'm not going to say we can't be together. Not ever. Because unlike Oliver, I know you and I know that we're stronger together. So...if you want that, I'll wait for you. And if you want him...well, lets just say I love you enough to let you go." 

She's whispering, but her voice feels so loud, filling up all of Felicity's empty spaces.

And then she does - let her go.

When Felicity finally brings herself to open her eyes, Laurel is gone.


	8. big girls cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY! i finished uni a few weeks ago, so i've been relaxing at home but i didn't have a lot of motivation and i wanted to give this the thought it deserved. Hope you guys are still reading and that you like this chapter. I will keep updating till i finish, it just might be a while between chapters

"Tell me." His voice is soft, but it takes over every inch of her.

When Felicity comes back into the foundry it's only Oliver sat there. The others must have left to give them privacy, like they always did. She wishes they hadn't. She isn't in the mood for another fight, and especially not this one. She didn't want to lose the two people she loved within the space of an hour.

He's sat down, staring at his hands as she leans on the cold metal of the table. It's hard underneath her elbows, and she feels like she's sharp, like she's grating against the surface, like her whole body is screeching against metal.

Oliver looks at her then, his bright blue eyes sad and knowing just like always. Her heart breaks just a little, because she knows whats coming now. She knew him as well as he knew her. She wonders if he can see the cracks and fissures of her heart, if he knows how to heal them, because she doesn't. Laurel would, she thinks. Laurel would know, even if she had no idea how to heal herself. Maybe that's why you needed other people.

"I'm not...I'm sorry for how I've been acting. But...I'll be honest, if you will be..." Oliver starts, not knowing how to put what he wants to say into words. "Please." He adds with a whisper, like he knows what he's asking and he's terrified.

Felicity sighs deeply and nods. What else could she do, but tell him? She needed to explain it all to herself at this point too.

"You're working with Malcolm. Laurel is gone." She says and Oliver nods.

"You came to get me." He says.

She bites her lip then, and he knows, like he always knows. He knows he needs to ask simply for her to tell him. If she just launched into it, the pain of it would flood over her, it would drown her, it would break her bones and cities down.

"When you and Laurel came for me...you...did you..." He grunts in frustration and looks at the ceiling, shaking his head. Then he pierces her with his look, and she is frozen in place. "Are you in love with her?"

It's so direct, so sudden and clear that for a moment she doesn't say a word. "I...I honestly don't know...Do you think it's possible to be in love with two people at once?"

It's all so absurd, this conversation. They're talking about it like it doesn't mean anything, when they know it is everything.

Oliver shrugs. "Yes, I guess so. I think...you love them differently. Not more or less...just differently."

He's being so fair, so good, so kind. It almost makes her wish she could choose him, go on as they were. But he wasn't always like this, and that was the problem.

"She wanted me with her. She believes in me." Felicity starts.

"I believe in you!" He snaps, but he has the decency to flush ashamedly. "Sorry. I'm not angry with you."

"I know." she nods. "It's hard for me too."

"Is it?" He asks, a little note of hope in her voice.

Felicity smiles sadly. "Of course it is Oliver. I loved you more than I thought it was possible to love someone."

Its the first time she's ever said it, and she blurted it out without thinking. His mouth hangs open a little for a moment.

"And I know you love me. I always felt loved. I want you to know that...it's just..."

"I won't let us be together." He finishes grimly. "I only want to keep you safe." He adds, a little bit petulantly.

"I know. Laurel wants that too, but she wants to try be with me too. She...she's so hopeful. She really thinks we can do it. And I want that. I want someone who...isn't just willing to fight for me, but who will fight to really be with me. She's been through so much...but she's choosing happiness."

"And I'm not even sure it's a possibility." Oliver says matter of factly. They have both heard this before. "I'd give anything to believe it was. Anything. But I don't know how. I have to be a certain person to do this, and that's a person that isn't good for you."

Felicity pushes up from the table. This is exactly why she couldn't be with him. This was everything Laurel was that he wasn't. Laurel was better for her, she loved her, she wanted to be with her. All of the things they said to each other didn't matter. At the end of everything, they wanted to be together. Oliver might love her, love her deeply and entirely, but he was choosing the darkness over her. She and Laurel were the opposite.

"I won't pretend it doesn't hurt." He says, standing up too. "And I do love you. So much, Felicity. I do. But I want you to be happy. That's what I want most."

She moves round the table, into his space, into the gravity of him. He sits back down as she reaches him, like he can't comprehend her, like he's using all the strength he has to let her go.

She stands in between his legs, putting her hands on his broad shoulders, looking down at him. There were times she would have killed for this kind of casual intimacy. She had longed for this in the dark, alone, gripping her bed sheets, wondering where he was, wondering what he looked like when he slept. And now it was here, at the end. She realized with a small jolt that she had had this from Laurel from day one. There was no effort, it just existed, like it had always been there. She knew then she was making the right choice.

"I shouldn't have shouted at you." He says, reaching his hands up. They trail over her back and pull her to him as he rests his head on her shoulder, inhaling her, pressing her too him as if he's memorizing her. "Thank you for coming to find me."

Felicity pulls away to take his face in her hands, making him look up at her. This was the face she knew better than her own. But it wasn't the face she saw when she closed her eyes. Not anymore.

"I will always find you. You will always have me." She urges, and she knows it is true. This team, this mission, was a part of her. It was embedded so deeply in her that she could not extricate herself from it.

"Has Laurel really left? She's a part of the team..." He says, not meeting her eye.

"I'll bring her back, somehow." Felicity says, with more certainty than she feels.

Then to her surprise, Oliver laughs. Its a loud laugh, a real one that rumbles in his chest, and she feels it low down in her stomach. It's a pleasant feeling.

"What?" She nudges him.

"It's just...First Sara, then you and Laurel. I didn't even know any of you liked women." He rolls his eyes. The situation was so strange that it was almost hilarious.

Felicity grins. "I don't think any of us knew either, in fairness. Anyway, you should be happy."

"Oh yeah? How you figure that?"

"At least this way...no other man will ever compare."

When she says this, she leans down and kisses him gently. Her thumb skates across his cheekbone and he presses her more tightly too him.

They stay like that for a long moment, willing the world to stop. It's a last kiss, but it isn't a goodbye forever. It's a goodbye to something more precious than that. It's a goodbye to a dream, a hope. It's bittersweet and it brings tears to both their eyes. This isn't how she thought they would end.

But she doesn't have nothing. She has someone. Her someone is out there, alone and angry in the dark, and she feels the tug of it deep in her.

"I have to go find her. We argued." Felicity whispers against his lips and Oliver sighs deeply.

"Bring her home." He says. After all, he loved them both.

 

Laurel isn't out there when Felicity emerges into the night. She knew she wouldn't be of course - but a small part of her had hoped she'd come back. Felicity pulls her coat around her a little tighter as it begins to rain. It's only a drizzle at first, but as she begins to walk it gets heavier and heavier and she has to fight her way through it.

Maybe that's why she doesn't hear it as she rounds the corner. Maybe that's why it takes her a moment to see it.

The figure in black, looming, he's a shadow in the moonlight, a monster, and he's moving.

Then there's another, another shadow flickering, breaking through the rain.

She looks down at what they're staring at, at what their hurting, kicking, killing.

Please don't be...she thinks, please, please, if there's any kind of justice. I don't know what to do if it's her. I don't know how to fight if it's her.

But of course, it is.

Laurel is laying on the cold hard ground. There's blood on her face, angry and cruel red.

These men were attacking her and she couldn't get up.

Felicity feels her name rather than hears it, as she screams it into the night.


	9. the greatest thing you'll ever learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry its been so long! this is the last chapter because i don't want to risk not finishing this. thanks for all the support, hope you like it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The greatest thing you'll even learn is just to love. And be loved in return.  
> -  
> Moulin rouge

There is a darkness that has settled into her bones, real and heavy and deep.

Laurel thinks how easy it would be to let herself give in, to sink into the ground like the roots of a tree, to lose herself in the earth. She was so tired.

She should have died on the mountain top, snow in her heart. Let the crisp white ice freeze her over like a marble statue of a long dead queen. But she hadn't. She had kept going. She had brought destruction. She had devastated. Just like always.

They were wrong when they said you imploded when you broke. Laurel exploded. She exploded with fury and damaged everything around her.

But she'd come back. Surely that meant something. She'd been walking away - the thing she said she'd never do. She'd realized she'd broken her promise just minutes after making it and she'd come back. Felicity had gone but it didn't matter because Laurel had come back.

Did she want to come back now? Now the alley wasn't empty. It was full and bursting with violence.

But then she hears it. Her name being called out into the darkness, echoing across the nothing till it reached her and dragged her ferociously, painfully back into consciousness.

Because Felicity had called her name which meant she was here, in the middle of a fight, somewhere out in the rain and the night, across the void, and she was calling to her.

So Laurel strained against her skin, the aching inside of her.

She'd come back for Felicity, before she'd been attacked. 

She would do so again.

 

Coming back to herself is like breaking the surface of a wave. One minute she is drowning in absence, the next she is floored by her own presence, living and breathing in the world.

She has no time though, and her body reacts quicker than her mind, turning quickly, scrambling upwards before she can even see anything in front of her properly.

It is just as well that Felicity was there she thinks, because she is magnificent.

Felicity lets out a yelp as she kicks one of the rough thugs in the back of the knee. They were just losers who had come across a slightly emotional superhero and decided to take her down a notch or two, but now they were pissed off. Felicity however, did not seem to care. She had no weapons, not even her computer, but she rushed headfirst into the fray. As the man she'd kicked doubled forward in surprise she shoved him over and moved to stand straight in front of Laurel.

Laurel of course then moved in front of her, but she thinks in that moment she loves her more profoundly than she ever had done. The smack of that realization brings a smile to her face and forces her bones to move, to stand up straight, to fight.

"I could threaten you by saying the arrow is in one of these buildings right now." She breathes heavily, raising her hands. "But I'm worse. Do you really want to do this?"

"Do you think that will work?" Felicity whispers behind her. "They attacked you, remember?"

Laurel doesn't answer because she's staring down these now somewhat dumbfounded attackers and also because she has no idea if it will work. But bringing the arrows name into it at least reminded them who she was and she had a feeling that when they jumped her they weren't really expecting a fight.

And they must see it. They see it in her eyes, that deep violence that comes from fear for someone you love. Because Felicity had put her hands on Laurel's back and that connection was everything.

The attackers stumble away into the night and Laurel lets out an unsteady breath. She feels lucky, fortunate and bone tired. She feels sore and bruised and happy all at the same time.

And she laughs. For the first time since they found Oliver, she lets out a loud, deep, real laugh.

Felicity's eyes widen and her hand reaches up to feel Laurel's forehead. "How hard did you hit your head exactly?"

Suddenly Laurel feels dizzy and her hands shoot out to grab onto Felicity's for support.

"Whoa! You need to sit down - come on, we need to get you back to the foundry before you pass out, because I am not carrying you."

She moves away but Laurel quickly pulls her back. "Wait." She breathes. When Felicity turns, she knows how nervous she must look by the way her face falls into a concerned frown.

"I..Felicity, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you here. I should have...have fought for you, properly fought for you. And that means staying even when it's hard. I said I would do that, but when it came down to it I left and I blamed you. It wasn't your fault. I was scared and stupid and mean. If...if you want to be with Oliver then that's ok. Because I love you both. Or...more like, I love him...But i'm in love with you." She looks down at their hands, clasped tightly together. "I shouldn't have asked you to leave the team. I don't agree with what Oliver is doing, but you were right. We should have talked about it."

She finally lets herself breathe again, shaky and unsure, but she's smiling like a weight has been lifted. And she knows she means what she says, even the parts that were the hardest to get out. She had stopped feeling scared when she was with Felicity, like being overwhelmed with light and love had drowned everything else out. And she wants that, always. She wants to let herself feel that even if Felicity isn't there to feel it with her. Even if Felicity feels that with someone else. Because that happiness, that freedom, is worth everything. If you love someone, you want them to have that, even if they don't have it with you.

Felicity smiles, slowly. That wide all encompassing smile. "I'm sorry too. I was afraid...but I told Oliver I would find you and bring you home. So that we could be together. You and me."

"You're good at bringing people home." Laurel shrugs, her smile matching Felicity's. She let her head fall forward, resting against Felicity's.

Then slowly, softly, she kisses her. And she really is home.

 

Working with Malcolm hurts. Everyday it hurts. But the edges of that blade soften when Felicity is around. They are, she has to at least admit, getting closer to Ra's al ghul. Oliver watches them sometimes, when he thinks they can't see. She feels bad for him, because she knows what she would feel if it were the other way round and it isn't good. But somehow, in the quiet moments, they feel closer.

And they work. No one can deny it. They fit together. And Laurel is allowed to branch out on her own more - As much as Oliver is dealing sometimes he does need a break and he is trying to trust her more. And he knows that she will always have Felicity backing her up, just like he will.

Felicity, for her part, is much happier. She thinks about how empty she was when she thought she had lost Oliver. That broken girl is unrecognizable to her now. She feels the love and belief that surrounds her, so much more now after she had brought Oliver home. And now she had learnt to trust and listen to Laurel. And she had been right. It hadn't been about choosing someone. Laurel, Oliver, the team. They were all a part of her working in tandem. It had been about choosing belief, and faith in people you love. It had been about choosing to believe in her own ability, choosing to fight, to love and be loved.

And she was - loved. Very much.

She knew it, every time Laurel looked at her, every time she kissed her.

She was loved, and she wasn't scared.


End file.
